So here’s the deal…
It was Opening Day 2011, and the Phillies were coming off a heart-breaking Game 5 in the NLDS where they were bounced from the playoffs by the Cardinals. Kevin and I were also bounced that night. We were thrown out of CBP by a douche bag security guard. Never has such little power gone to a man’s head so badly as it did with that security guard. But that had been months ago and my brother and I were pumped for a new season of baseball. We weren’t blinded by optimism as the season got underway. We knew Howard and Utley were going to miss the first couple months, and the team was certainly a few shades older than there 2008 Championship selves. But we had Doc, and Cliff, and, and, Blanton? So we knew it was going to be a tough start of the season, but if they could just maintain a .500 record by the time the superstars came back, we figured the Phillies would be alright.
And then John Bolaris called.
Now, my brother and I had sworn off hanging out with Bolaris ever since the “Sacramento hooker incident of 2009.” I still miss my pinky toe. But John swore up and down that things would be different, that he learned not to switch from beer to cocaine, that he just wanted a “quiet weekend in Miami with his bros.”
Fool us once, shame on you, John Bolaris. Fool us twice, and we wake up penniless and visa-less in Columbia next to a Taiwanese cross dresser and a woman who bares a striking resemblance to Spud Webb. I won’t bore you with the details of our journey back. I know you don’t want to read about Mexican gangs, shootouts in Guatemala, or a night of passion with the wife of a diplomat that ended all too soon because we both knew it could never be. I’m sure you couldn’t care less about our lives in boxcars, the baby we saved from a well, or the cheetah we befriended named Molasses.
No, you came here for talk about the Phillies. Well good news, Blunt-fathful. We’re back.
P.S. What the hell happened last year? We left you guys with a pretty good team and we didn’t even make the playoffs? Hunter Pence wins a World Series….with the Giants? I mean seriously, guys. What did you do in our absence? Mike Fontenot at third? Really? Really?